Motherhood has made me crazy. Like, actually crazy. Living with an almost two year old is like, how do I say this, ridiculous. It is also awesome, blah blah blah, but it is mainly ridiculous right now. I find myself saying the dumbest stuff to my child’s actual face. The kind of stuff that literally makes no sense. Like, the second it leaves your mouth you just know it’s going to be bad, but you finish the sentence anyways BECAUSE IT’S HOW YOU FEEL OKAY?
So here are the nine dumbest things I have said to my child recently. Just in case you were like, feeling down about yourself as a parent today, don’t even because THESE:
If you choose to jump off of that I will not help you if you fall and hurt yourself.
Yes I will because duh.
To the tune of Old McDonald Had A Farm: If you hit me one more time, I’m going to cut your hand off.
That is just not true. Mainly because it would be messy. But also because jail.
If you throw one more tantrum you are going to bed.
Except it’s 10 in the morning.
We are leaving. You need to come with mommy or mommy is going to leave without you.
Well that’s ridiculous for one thousand reasons.
If you choose to bring your cars to the playground I will not hold them for you.
That’s a load of crap. I will hold them. Every last one of them.
You need to stop crying or else.
Or else what, Courtney? OR ELSE WHAT?
You need to stop throwing your food or you will not get anymore today.
Also it’s breakfast.
I’m going to eat a piece of cake if you throw one more fit.
SUPER EFFECTIVE PARENTING.
If you slam your fingers in that door I will not care.
Those are actual sentences that left my mouth and went into my child’s ears, BECAUSE I’M SO GOOD AT BEING A PARENT. Anybody else say stupid crap to your kids? No? Just me. WHATEVER YOU’RE ALL LYING.