I’m just a girl trying to find some humor in parenting. Because what doesn’t kill you makes you funnier, right?
I created a game today where I lay down and Wyatt rolls cars on my back while my eyes are closed. So basically I won today.
In our house we pretend water is different colors. It just makes day drinking easier to explain.
If I were going to prepare a friend for life with a toddler I would hide one of every pair of shoe and ask them to find them as I stand there and scream. Also? You need to be somewhere that requires shoes 10 minutes ago.
If I could describe the toddler in one idea it would be this: They don’t give a damn. They give zero actual damns.
Ways I have been a jerk today: I wouldn’t let him consume trash, I asked him to stop licking the potty, I wouldn’t let him play with a knife, I wouldn’t make him pasta. Also it’s 7:45 a.m.
The toddler is like a PMS-ing adolescent girl. Except the symptoms last until they’re five.
Wyatt can reach the light switch in our playroom. So if you would like to experience a seizure come on over!
One time Wyatt elbowed me so hard in the chest he burst a blood vessel. Life is fun.
One time I texted my husband actual tears because, see above.
There is nothing more rewarding than hearing about how perfect my child was at his grandparents house. Wyatt slept 19 hours last night! Wyatt ate arugula and asked for more! Wyatt wrote the first draft of his college essay!
“Mommy play!” is like the cutest way of inviting you to come sit and do everything wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a 2 year old who did not want his hot dog cut up.
JK. Hell hath no fury like a 2 year old who wanted to play with a doll he pooped on but wasn’t allowed to because, HUMAN FECES.
He cries when it’s time to take a bath and he cries when it’s time to get out. Toddlers make like this much sense.
My favorite thing about the toddler is that they change their minds every .04 seconds and refuse to tell you about it. And by favorite I mean: Where’s the Advil?
Nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent of a toddler, but I feel like trying to dress a cat would be a great place to start.
Kroger had a 2 for 5 sale on blueberries this week which means Wyatt will hate blueberries for this week only.
There is nothing more safe than driving while parenting. And by that I mean I’m pretty sure I could drink and drive safer than I can parent and drive.
Because what’s worse? Waking up a toddler from a car nap or peeing on yourself?