On Laughing And Spanking

I don’t remember how old I was or what exactly I did. I was probably old enough to know better, but whatever. It wasn’t my first and it definitely wasn’t my last. I was getting smarter back in those days. Not smarter like, making better decisions, smarter. No sir. But I was getting smarter like, snarky and I can outwit you and think on my feet and make you laugh when you really weren’t wanting to laugh, smarter. Yes. [Editor’s note: I’m sure I was SUCH A JOY to parent. Except I don’t think so.]

And so on this certain day of whatever year it was, I stood in the foyer of my childhood home, awaiting yet another spanking from my dad. Me sweating it out. He giving a speech of a lifetime and preparing his arm for the activity that lay ahead. There were bogus statements made like, “this hurts me more than this hurts you” and “I’m doing this because I love you.” There was a “heartfelt apology” on my behalf.

And then the game began.

As the spanking was about to go down I though, I KNOW HOW TO TRICK! I will make him laugh. You can’t discipline and laugh at the same time!! I will win this game old man. I. Will. Win. And so I gave it my best effort. I really did. I told some jokes. Good, solid jokes. I got some laughs. I relaxed my tense body because, this was working. (!!!!)

Then out of nowhere my dad looks me dead in the eyes and says, “You know, I can laugh and spank at the same time.” AND THEN HE DID. I swear to you. Stone cold. He laughed and spanked me at the same time. I may or may not have been yelling things like: BUT YOU LAUGHED!! THIS IS ABSURD! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!? MY JOKES WERE SO FUNNY! OWWWW! WHAT THE HECK, MAN!?!

And then last night, we were eating dinner and Wyatt was putting on a legit comedy show. Like, we may start charging actual dollars, legit comedy show. [Someone help me. I see exactly one trillion parent teacher conferences in our future.] I had lost my will to keep a straight face. I had also lost my will to live because, I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AND I’M SO OVER THIS AND EAT YOUR FREAKING DINNER. I said in my best Mother Theresa voice that if he didn’t stop acting like Eddie Murphy and eat his food, I was going to take his car away that he had brought to the table. He said okay.

And then the game began.

He did something hilarious, and we both busted out laughing. Wyatt took the bait. He refused to take another bite, and did another thing hilarious, like I WILL WIN THIS OLD WOMAN. And then I took his car away because, bring it child I’ve already lived your life. He started crying and out of nowhere I leaned in, looked him dead in the eyes and said: “You know Wyatt, we can laugh and discipline at the same time.” Because, OMG WHAT!?

Touche dad. You win. It’s not even all that hard to do.

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