Because toddlers simultaneously make me want to 1) sob uncontrollably while laying in the fetal position 2) eat their faces off because they are so cute 3) laugh out loud 4) pull my hair out and 5) lose my will to live. You can read part 1 here.
I would like to ask my doctor for a Xanax prescription. Because, meal time with a toddler.
My husband and I have started having “second dinner” because 5:30 p.m., really? Unrelated: why did I have to unbutton my jeans while sitting the other night?
This afternoon I sat on the couch checking Instagram while my toddler blew a piece of trash around the living room. YOLO, ya know?
Why is Wyatt on the ground crying? I wouldn’t let him scratch a mole off my face. So there’s that.
Did you know you can “read books wrong?” Yeah, me either.
He asks for snacks all day and refuses to eat at meals. Again, YOLO!
I don’t understand the whole: “I’ve been up all night for all of the nights with my toddler but I #wouldn’twanttobeanywhereelse” mentality. Have you ever heard of in your own bed asleep? Because that’s always the exact place I’d rather be.
But have you ever stepped on a matchbox car? Because that is the exact way my child is going to learn how to cuss.
Because what’s worse? Cutting your arm tendon like the guy from 127 Hours or trying to explain anything to a toddler?
Hate (v): to cancel a play date after your friend has already told her toddler about it. Used in a sentence: So. Yeah. Buddy. We actually aren’t going to play with Emma today because
she is sick their hearts are full of hate. [56 hours later and we’re still talking about playing with freaking Emma] LET IT GO, FOR CRAPS SAKE.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy telling him he cannot bring 27 cars with him to church.
How many words can two ears hear in one day before they explode? Asking for a friend.
The good news? I finally finished blowing and filling up the kiddie pool in our backyard. The bad news? Summer is over.
Want to know what life with a toddler is like? Have a friend set 19 random alarms that will go off during the night. Run a full marathon tomorrow. This will actually be my next baby shower gift.
Do I work out? I carry around 30 lbs of dead weight because my toddler “fell and hurt knee.” Two week ago. So yeah, I work out. Is there anything else?
My favorite part about dinner is waiting for the bowel movement my toddler will inevitably have. Nothing wets the appetite quite like a runny BM halfway through the meal. Except the opposite of that.
Try to explain rest period at the pool to a napkin. That is life with a toddler.
Okay buddy, you can play with my thongs you pulled out of my drawer. Said no mom ever to her toddler.
One time I served a broken cracker. One time I peeled his banana. One time I opened the crayons at a restaurant. One time I gave him grapes when he asked for grapes… Surely this is what The Bible meant when it said, “there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” No?